Email from my sister Tracy dated 12/05/2009:
San,
I just wanted you to know that I love you. I will be thinking of you on Monday at 6:15. Let me know how "the gathering" goes tomorrow. I am disappointed that I am missing the service.
I am in such awe of your strength, courage, support and faithfulness. I don't know how you do it. I am praying for you always and wish it was me instead of you going thru all of this. I continue to struggle with the why and know I should not but do anyway......
I am hopeful that I can get you down here in the near future for the healing power of the ocean and to recharge your batteries. Mom seems to like it here. I am glad. It unfortunately is in the 40's and windy. Rather like St. Louis weather but hoping for improvement during the week. The ocean tonight was very calm with a gentle wave and crisp clear water. Breathtaking. A beautiful sunsest also. Hopefully I can get some pictures.
Thinking of you always and loving you forever.
Trac
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My reply to Tracy on Sunday morning, 12/06/2009 :
I love you too, Trac. Thank you for your note.
I was actually laying in bed this morning kind in wonderment of how I am doing this too. But, you know what...I really, really do feel God with me and carrying me. If he wasn't, I know I would be a total wreck. I feel him..his strength...it's amazing.
I honestly keep going back to these two Bible verses. The first one is Matthew 6:27..."Add who of you by being worried is adding a single hour to his life?" The other is Matthew 9:22...Jesus turned and saw her. He said,
"Daughter, be encouraged. Your faith has made you well." And the women was healed at that moment.
These verses have made me realize the total lack of contol I have over all of this. They are telling me that I have no choice but to turn ALL of this over to God. He's healing me Tracy, I know it, I just feel it.
I'm not saying, by any stretch of the imagination, that I am not getting down occasionally...'cause I am. I get weapy and start to question why this is happening, what's the reason God chose me to walk this road. But every time that's happened, I tell myself a different story (sound familiar...I really took that sermon to heart!) and ask God to lift me up again....and he does, he just does. And actually as I'm thinking about this and typing to you ...I think a small miracle has occurred...God has finally got me to realize that I don't need to be in control of everything. Wow....that really is a miracle!
The other thing too, that is so, so important to me...is that as all of you see my faith and strength....you all will find the same and be comforted by that. I want to show by my example that we can face anything, but to face it we have live in trust, not fear. (another sermon take away!) I didn't realize it before, but I fully, totally believe that now.
I do frequently think about the email you sent where you mention a conversation between your friend Katie with breast cancer and the Nun, where they talked about living many more years and why do we expect to live even another day, why do we think tomorrow comes with a guarentee. This is so true...I just always took it for granted and now I don't. So....I am waking up thankful for everyday and gifts and opportunities it brings.
You know what, Tracy, I am really, really lucky. I never realized how many people cared for me or cared enough about me to reach out, pray for me and support me. Now I know....it's a very special feeling.
Have a great week. I'm glad Mom went with you, I hope you both recharge too and have a relaxing week in Florida. Be safe and talk to you soon.
Love you always..
~S
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Tracy's email reply on Sunday evening, 12/06/2009:
Where do all of these inspirations come from? You are amazing. I am thinking of you. Good luck tomorrow. I will set my alarm and be praying that a peace comes over you when laying there, so that it goes by quickly and easily.
Love T
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What an awesome family I have!!
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Sandy,
ReplyDeleteI led most of my adult life as agnostic or close to atheism. I felt that God had betrayed me when my husband (Jaron's father) left me. I felt I had done nothing to deserve that and I spent many years bitter and angry. My new husband, Dennis has changed that by educating me on what it means to be a Christian and that we don't have to earn a place in heaven and that we won't go to hell for the slightest sin. God forgives, he answers our prayers, he heals us, he loves us. All we have to do is believe that his Son died for us so that we may be forgiven. It's a blessing to be in childlike faith again, to give up the thought that I can or should try to control every aspect of my life. I am pleased that you are realizing the same and that your faith is so strong. Me and Dennis will pray for you often and will be with you in spirit as you proceed through treatment. Stay strong and stay in faith in the Lord, for He will bless you.
Jody